Ocean Goddess
by Solitaryrose
Summary: My second attempt (that I ever posted up, at least temporarily) at humor... just bear with me: Utena is a girl living in Scotland (cough, alternate universe, cough) when she and her village get sacked by a pirate captain and her ship... then things really


Ocean Goddess  
Chapter 1: Enslavement  
  
During a person's whole life, he or she fears many things. The Pirate Princess and her ship, the Ocean Goddess, would probably count as one of them. Blonde, young, youthful, and with a temperament worse than an ocean typhoon, the Pirate Princess is a sight to behold. Those violet eyes of hers flash dangerously under thick black lashes, and her ringlets of flaxen-yellow hair end just at her shoulders, with a braid of that hair shaping her head like a tiara. Beautiful, yes, vicious, yes. Those living on the coasts of Europe know the reputations and legends of the Pirate Princess. Looting, pillaging, maiming... she and her bloodthirsty crew are feared for those things. But what her hostages are terrified of the most is...  
  
Her laugh.  
  
It is said that one would rather be caught by the Royal Guards in an outhouse with stinking hogs, conspiring foreigners, scandalous paintings of females in risqué positions and outfits, and six packs of dynamite while wearing nothing but suspenders and some orange pantyhose than hear her laugh.  
  
It is indescribable. It is horrible. The legends state that if one hears her crazed, contagious laugh, he would laugh along as well until he went mad and decided to give up all possessions and become an Indian yoga instructor. However, by the time she laughed, the poor person would have already been bound and tied up under the Ocean Goddess's deck. Beware of the Pirate Princess!  
  
*****  
  
Tenjou Utena's peaceful life in the village stopped abruptly as soon as the Pirate Princess came to the shores of Scotland. Utena was a happy, cheerful, almost naïve fourteen-year old girl who was the daughter of the village chieftain. She was beautiful, too, and encountered many suitors, which ranged from short to tall, from anorexic to overweight, from sniveling to stoic, and so on. Many men sought for her hand in marriage, for her beauty, her immense dowry, and her good virtues.   
  
Sadly, it all ended once a grand canary yellow ship with numerable masts docked at the shores. Every villager was much too busy staring in disgust at the blindingly bright color to notice that the Pirate Princess's crew was whooping and swarming over the village, burning everything up. By the time everyone noticed, it was already a large mound of hot coals and ashes.  
  
"Surrender yourselves to the Pirate Princess!" A brunette girl hollered at the top of her lungs to the shocked villagers. "You people have now got no place to live, so the only choices are to either surrender to us or to live among a mound of ashes!" Oddly she was not speaking in the pirate dialect. She sounded more like a court lady gone bad to a pirate lady instead.  
  
"Oh come on, we've got nothing else to lose or to gain, so we should just surrender," a midget man muttered to everyone. "Besides, we don't have weapons or anything else to fight them off with."  
  
"That's right!" Many people agreed, nodding their heads vigorously. Utena was angry. Why was everybody giving up so easily? However, the only thing they could gain was loss. So, she just accepted the truth dejectedly.  
  
"All right then, get on board!" The brunette girl ordered everyone with a shove to each person as they walked up a slanted wooden plank onto the Ocean Goddess. "And if any of you try to get away, I'll tell milady to laugh and laugh and laugh," she threatened, narrowing her eyes, which was actually an impossible feat, for her eyes were too large to be narrowed. All the villagers shrunk in fear at the threat and obediently trotted below decks. There they were shackled with previous prisoners (who all needed good hearty baths) in the dim light. It truly stunk down there. Utena wrinkled her nose in sick disgust, and wondered how she would survive for a week down there.  
  
*****  
  
Much to Utena's immense surprise, she managed to stay alive for more than a week in the ship's hold without sufficient water, food, and baths. She survived exactly a week, six hours, fourteen minutes, and fifty-nine seconds without complaint. After that, she started to feel extremely rebellious.  
  
"Say, Miki, what's your voice on this situation?" She asked the shackled hostage who shared the splintery wooden bench with her during mealtime. "We really have to get out... I can't abide this anymore. Yuuko whips everyone for no apparent reason, and Aiko tweaks our noses and pulls our hair if we don't row quickly enough."  
  
"Well..." The innocent blue haired boy, who was a year younger than Utena, did not wish to speak for the time being. Starved for two whole days due to the fact that he was carving random notes on the ship's deck's inner walls rather than rowing like he should have been, Miki was reluctantly given punishment by the Pirate Princess.   
  
"You're hungry? Well, at least you have the good fortune of being favored by the Pirate Princess! If any of us did something like that, she would have us whipped until we started laughing in lunacy, starved for a week, AND deprived of bathroom breaks for a whole day," Utena muttered defiantly. "Hmph!"  
  
"You're wrong there, girl!" A new, harsh voice broke in. All eyes turned to him, including the head overseers, Aiko and Yuuko. The speaker turned out to be a lean, tall man with a gaunt face and disheveled green hair. However, due to the fact that nobody below decks had had a bath in a while, the hair was no longer the forest green it should have been, but olive green. Utena shrunk back in revulsion. The speaker was a new one, a person nobody had even given much thought to or heard a word from for a long, long time. Laughing bluntly, he added, "She wouldn't do any of those things... too much work! Her frenzied, puny brain would blow from doing such a difficult task like keeping track of a week of an oar-slave's punishment. Poor, poor girl!" Sarcasm and satire dripped from his voice. As Utena looked around warily for people's reactions, she saw that some were thoroughly shocked at the man's outburst, while others were already shaking from suppressed mirthless laughter. Utena herself was smiling inwardly but frowning outwardly. She could see Aiko and Yuuko advancing forward, Aiko with a mace, chains, and a whacking-rod, and Yuuko with her whip, which was about six times longer than she was.  
  
"No, miss, she'd LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH in our faces!" The green-haired man hollered crazily, giving a diabolical laugh right after it. "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!" Utena grimaced. The deprived soul had already experienced a taste of some mental illness. He seemed to be enjoying it, too.   
  
"You! Shut up!!!!" Aiko, the auburn-haired overseer snarled. "Yuuko," she said, motioning to the black-haired girl beside her with the whip, "Grab him!" Yuuko was about to do as she was told when she suddenly snapped rebelliously, "Ugh, I'm not going to grab that creep! YOU do it!"  
  
"WHAT?! You have to! I'M certainly not going to do it; I only do things milady tells me to."  
  
"WELL SO DO I!!"  
  
As the two girls bickered, the whole group of hostages watched in amusement. It was indeed amusement, for when Aiko called Yuuko a "lethargic, moronic freeloader", without even knowing what it meant, Yuuko gave a beastly snarl and threw herself on top of Aiko, clawing, biting, and scratching. Oh yes, kicking, too.   
  
The two girls were too busy with their fight that they did not notice the green-haired man cavorting up onto the deck. Utena gasped, "Oh goodness, what's he doing?!" as she looked out the circular porthole. The green-haired man gave out an ear-splitting war cry and leaped off of the ship in a cannonball position. With a colossal splash, he hit the water.  
  
"OOOOH..." Everyone twisted up his or her face in shock.  
  
Immediately, Aiko and Yuuko came to their senses. Aiko's hair was flying up in awkward positions, and Yuuko's was no longer curly but frizzy from so much pulling.   
  
"YOU!!!! You let him get away! If you hadn't been arguing about whether to grab him or not, he wouldn't have gotten away!" Aiko rounded on Yuuko, baring her teeth.  
  
"ME?! What about you, huh? It was you who called me a lilargic, moronic frylader!" Yuuko responded fervently.  
  
"YOU DOLT! It's not 'lilargic, moronic frylader', it's 'lethargic, moronic freeloader'!"  
  
"WELL SAME THING!"  
  
Soon the two of them were at it again, only more ferociously. Both Aiko and Yuuko's eyes were turning odd colors and their faces started tinting purple from fury. The situation would have been quite hilarious if it weren't for the fact that Aiko and Yuuko were armed with harmful weapons and the oarslaves were not.  
  
"Oh my," Utena commented to Miki. Miki had no response; he was too busy wolfing down his meager meal of stale bread and a dirty, cracked dish of water. When Miki did not say anything for a few minutes, Utena grumbled and turned around to face the fight again.  
  
Once things really started to get heated up, with Aiko doing CPR by banging her fists and pushing on Yuuko's head, and Yuuko retaliating by slapping Aiko's bottom as if she were a mule, an adolescent girl's voice sliced through the air. It was one nobody had heard before.  
  
"WHAT in the name of God is going on?"  
  
Author's note: Yes, *sighs*, it's dumb, right? Well, you can't blame me; this is only my 3rd attempt at writing a humor fic (and my 2nd one posted up, at least temporarily) - my second one failed, but not as bad as my first one... ^_^ Anyway, even if it's incredibly stupid review! Reviews are good...lalalalala... *ahem* And none of the characters of Utena belong to me. (too sad, too bad)  



End file.
